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THE PATRIOT 1 CLAWI just don't get this movie. I mean, really. If I was making a movie about a bunch of strange cats on my territory, I wouldn't spend half the time discussing whether or not it's "right" to go after them! Come on, people. It doesn't take three hours to tell this tale. Just scratch 'em! Problem solved, end of story.
HOLLOW MAN 1 CLAW
Okay, you tell me. What happened to Kevin Bacon in this movie? He was in the beginning of it, then he just disappeared! So what's going on here? So they just decided to write that character out of the script? Did I miss something?
BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER 3 CLAWS
This movie is so great! At the screening, they gave us plastic pom-poms and I had so much fun pouncing on it--the way it shimmers in the light, it's almost like it's alive!!! Okay. I admit it. I didn't actually see the movie. I spent the whole time chasing the pom-pom.
THE REPLACEMENTS 1 CLAW
Hey, this is a re-run from last season! Last year they called it "Any Given Sunday."
AUTUMN IN NEW YORK 2 CLAWS
A sweet young girl takes time away from her friends to spend her afternoons walking in the park with her aging father. Not much of a plot here, but it's nice to see young people treating the elderly with such respect and affection.
ANGELA'S ASHES 1 CLAW
My companion people want to go to Ireland. That's all I hear around the house. Ireland, Ireland, Ireland. They have all the books and tourist videos on this place and they keep saying, "Look how green it is!" Hey, there's green grass in the back yard! Why go half way 'round the world to see somebody else's green grass? I thought this movie would stop all the "going to Ireland" talk because this movie shows Ireland like it is, not like those tourist videos that were probably done on the one sunny day of the year. Angela's Ashes tells the truth about Ireland--it's cold and rainy, everybody gets sick, and it's just a wet, miserable, awful place. No wonder Frank McCourt wanted to get away from there! But guess what? The people still want to go to Ireland! Well, they can bring me back a shamrock. I'll be waiting in my sunny windowsill.
GALAXY QUEST 4 CLAWS
This movie proves what I've always known to be true--actors are the greatest! My companion people are actors, and they've learned so much from the roles they play. They really could tell those politicians a thing or two about how things should be. You should hear them talk back to the TV! If those two ruled the world, it would be a better place. In Galaxy Quest, some actors get a chance to play their sci-fi roles for real and they save the galaxy from rock monsters, pig lizards, and this one evil green dude with scales. Actors rule!
GIRL INTERRUPTED 3 CLAWS
True story. My friend Al E. Katt (no relation) was chasing a moth one night and his companion people couldn't see the moth, just Al E. snapping and clawing at the air. They decided he was having a fit, took him to the vet, yadda, yadda, yadda...now he's addicted to kitty Prozac. Girl Interrupted is kind of like that. These girls are having a bit of fun, the adults don't understand them and they end up in a mental hospital. The moral of this story is: Act normal. Someone might be watching.
ISN'T SHE GREAT? 1 CLAW
Great? I don't think so. There are so many more descriptive titles you could give to this movie, like "Isn't She Obnoxious?" or "Isn't She Just The Loudest, Most Irritating Woman You've Ever Seen Squeezed Into A Leopard Print Dress?" Well, you get the picture. This movie is definitely too scary for cats. Bette Midler's performance will remind you of those women who come over to visit your companion people--you know who they are--who talk too loud, wear 'way too much makeup and then they see YOU! LOOK OUT...TOO LATE! "OOOOH, look at the kitty!" they squeal, like they've never seen a cat before. Before you can dive under the bed, they're squeezing you and talking baby-talk. "Does the kitty like to be kissed on the nose?" For the record, the kitty does not. Anyway, I didn't like this movie, I'd like to know if any animals were hurt in the making of that leopard print dress. This flick is another one for the litter pan.
TOPSY-TURVY 4 CLAWS
This is the very model of a modern movie musical
With lavish costumes, pretty scenery and songs that are lyrical.
Your people will enjoy this movie 'cause it's really funny and
Concern the zany backstage antics of Gilbert and Sullivan!
Okay, so much for that. If you're not a cat about town like me, get your people to rent this on video when it comes out. It's a nice lap sitting picture with nice music (not that jarring rock and roll stuff) and gentle, intelligent humor (not the raucous knee slapping kind that gets you dumped on the floor.
ANNA AND THE KING PAN
Why do they keep calling the leading man of this film "fat?" He's a little round in the face, but he ain't fat. Hollywood should just get over it that not everyone looks like a toothpick. Anyway, I found this movie to be quite disturbing. There were too many little kids in it, running around not looking where they're going--makes my tail hurt just thinking about it. And they missed the most important part about Siam--Siamese cats! The scenery was gorgeous, but what about the cats?
ANY GIVEN SUNDAY PAN
On "any given sunday," you'd probably find me napping in the windowsill. In some households, the people sit glued to the television watching this game called football. I don't understand football, and this movie didn't give me much enlightenment. The guys stand too close together when they're trying to get the "ball" (which isn't even round), run into each other and get hurt; fans get crazy and yell about it--I knew that already! When will people learn the proper way to play ball? First quarter, you bat the ball around with your paw and go bounding after it, always being careful not to run into anything. Second quarter, you lose the ball under the sofa and meow loudly until a person comes to move the sofa and retrieve it for you. In the third quarter, the object of the game is to stare at said person uncomprehendingly and pretend you don't want the ball anymore. You saunter back to home base (the windowsill) and take a nice long nap. Fourth quarter starts at two in the morning. Why doesn't Oliver Stone tell that story? I smell a conspiracy.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT PAN
Three city kids get lost in the woods looking for a witch. They run around in circles panting, swearing, screaming and flaring their nostrils. They never do find the witch, and the only scary part about this movie is that so many people paid to see it! I could make a better flick in my backyard with a camera tied to my back! I could call it "The Iris Bed Project," and if I hyped it enough, you people would knock each other down to see it. You know you would!
THE BONE COLLECTOR PAN
I just couldn't get into this movie. Bone collecting is for dogs, anyway.
CRADLE WILL ROCK 2 CLAWS
James and Linda loved this movie because it's about theatre and art. They kept whispering, "Oooh, there's Brecht, there's Diego Rivera, there's Orson Welles...". The thing about this movie is you really have to know some history to enjoy it, so here's the little bit I learned to get you started. Apparently in the 1930s, Congress tried to ban the color red from paintings. They also said there was too much red in the theatre. Then this man, Diego Rivera, got in trouble for painting on some rich man's wall. They said his painting was red! Those people in the '30s must have been colorblind, because it was pretty obvious to me that he was using earth tones. The only reds I noticed in this movie was a lady in a red dress and lots of other ladies with red nail polish and lipstick. Oh yeah, and one actress named Cherry Jones.
DOGMA 3 CLAWS
This is a great movie, but they'd better change the title if they want anyone to see it. My suggestion: CATma.
FELICIA'S JOURNEY PAN
This movie is so boring! I slept through most of it, so I can't tell you what it's about, except that this nice old man offers rides to young girls. He also spends a lot of time in the kitchen, which I liked. The kitchen is one of my favorite rooms in the house. Anyway, most of it is driving and cooking, but there's this one scene that really upset me. A woman answers the door and you can hear her cat meowing and meowing in the background and she doesn't do anything about it! We never even see the cat! And who's Felicia and why is she on a journey? Don't ask me. This flick's another one for the litter box.
THE GREEN MILE 4 CLAWS
Okay, cats, listen up. When this comes to video, get your companion people to rent this. They'll stay on that sofa for three solid hours, glued to this movie while you get in some quality lap time. There are a few exciting things in it for us cats, too--a scary rain storm, some exploding lights, and a real mouse, not the fake kind like in "Stuart Little."
MAGNOLIA PAN
Maybe it was the catnip I had before I saw this thing, but I couldn't make any sense out of it. There's an old man, a game show, a motivational speaker, frogs falling from the sky--what does it all mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means this cat went to the box office to ask for his money back!
MAN ON THE MOON 2 CLAWS
When I was a kitten, my litter mates and I used to watch Jim Carrey on "In Living Color," and we thought it was so funny the way he threw his arms out of joint and gyrated all around. My mama, Mama D. Katt, used to say, "If he doesn't stop doing that to his body, it'll stick like that." We used to laugh at that--but who's laughing now? Not Jim Carrey! His body really did stick. You should see him in his new movie. He can hardly turn his head! He only moves his eyes around and something happened to his voice, too. He's not the same at all. The moral of this story: always listen to your mama.
MYSTERY, ALASKA PAN
The mystery about Alaska is why anyone would want to live there! It's too cold! And those people in the movie have to put special things on their feet to skate on the ice. Why do people always want to put things on their feet? Another mystery! Listen, people, if you have to put things on your feet to do a certain activity, you shouldn't be doing it!
THE SIXTH SENSE 3 CLAWSIf you like scary movies, go see this one! This movie has everything! The music throbs and Bruce Willis sighs like a mad cat, which really got me going, and they show a child's birthday party--complete with balloons--and a family dog! I got so excited I just had to blow off some steam and started tearing around the theater. People started screaming, "There's a cat in here!" Well, duh, who do they think writes this column? What a disaster! Popcorn flying, drinks spewing, and to top it off, I ran into the legs of an usher, who grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and threw me out. I missed the really cool ending everyone is talking about, so I'll have to catch the video.
SLEEPY HOLLOW PAN
You know the old saying "you can't judge a book by it's cover? It goes for movies, too. When I think of sleepy hollows, I think of getting sleepy and padding down a nice hollow place in a soft pile of blankets and settling down for a sixteen hour nap. Don't you? Well, don't let the title fool you. There's nothing sleepy about this movie! It's loud, it's scary...I was outraged! I'd ask for my money back except I sneaked in. Into the litter box with this one!
STUART LITTLE PAN
It's the big old litter pan for this travesty of a film. There are some major credibility problems with the plot, and I think we all know what they are. Mice are bad and cats kill them. I'm sorry, but that's just the way things are.
THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY PAN
Matt Damon plays Mr. Ripley, and I can't for the nine lives of me figure out what's supposed to be so talented about this guy. He takes off his glasses, he puts his glasses on, messes with his hair, takes his glasses off again...what's that all about? Meanwhile, we've got a Brit (Jude Law) and an Aussie (Cate Blanchette) both doing American accents, we've got opera, we've got jazz musicians--seems like everybody in this movie is talented but Mr. Ripley!
TUMBLEWEEDS PAN
Hey, I already saw this one. It was called "Anywhere But Here." In this version, they throw their clothes out the window. They should rename this movie "Litterbugs."
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL 4 CLAWS
It certainly is! My highest rating goes to this masterpiece of a film! It's quiet and it'll keep your companion people in their seats for the 114 minute duration, so you can snuggle down and get in some nice lap time without worrying about being jostled awake while they run to the kitchen for snacks.
HARRY AND TONTO 2 1/2 CLAWS
I love to see cat's in leading roles, so I had to pick this one for my video list. The low rating is for the subject matter--most cats I know would not like taking a cross country road trip with their companion people! They should remake this film and call it "Harry Takes a Vacation, Tonto Naps in the Windowsill."
ALIEN 3 1/2 CLAWS
I like this movie because it stars a yellow tabby who looks like me! Tabby helps co-star Sigourney Weaver battle aliens...check it out!
THAT DARN CAT 4 CLAWS
The 1965 original, not the lame Disney remake, is my all-time favorite movie! A Siamese cat (who does all of his own stunts) helps the good guys find the evil kidnappers. The scene where the cat wrestles a duck away from Roddy McDowell is worth the rental price.
Well, my litter box is full, so I'll have to sign off for now. Thank you for visiting my page!
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